I am in a vortex of obligation.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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