He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
