she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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