After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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