Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
