i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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