Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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