just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
