Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
