So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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