But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
