p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
