There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
