at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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