I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
