I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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