First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
