I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
