tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
