Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
