thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
