i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Randomize
