I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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