if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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