my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
