I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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