I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
