Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
