i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
