I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
