I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
