i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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