Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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