I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
