I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
