The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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