don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
