booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
