Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
