walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
