I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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