drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
