Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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