apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
