what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
