1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
