i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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