I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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