there's paper in my vomit.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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