I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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