Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
