Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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