he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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