I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
